“Love: The heart wants what it wants. It doesn’t seek other people’s opinions; sometimes not even your own.”Steve Miraboli, author
The lovelorn love the Lovers card.
Every card has its dark side, and for this one I’m seeing fixation. When you get stuck on finding one particular thing, like your “soulmate,” it also fixates on the lack of that thing. Lacking creates more wanting creates more fixating creates more lacking. A vicious cycle like that is very hard to stop because cycles and circles by definition don’t really stop. Think physics and the conservation of energy. Cycles aren’t so much stopped as they are transformed.
Having some idea of why you want something, especially when you want it with desperation, can help achieve it. The word achieve in itself implies and endpoint, a goal, a reason for being. Wanting something badly enough motivates us to do the work we must do to get the wanted thing.
Not all wants need to be tied to achievement. Not all wants are what we think they are.
We say we want a “soulmate” but perhaps what is really wanted – or needed – is feeling heard, feeling understood, having companionship. Relationships are complex things that deserve a little thought and attention, even before they begin.
Sometimes the trick to finding your hearts desire is to desire a better thing. If the lovers speaks to you today, it is asking you to think about what you want and why you want it. Is it the right thing to chase?
I don’t share my private life here a lot, but here is an example. I have a very convenient opportunity to study martial arts again. It was at one time very important. I competed. I taught. I won a few blue ribbons along the way. Why? I don’t really know, other than I loved doing it, and wanted to be the best at it that I could possibly be, like everything else. Then because of an assortment of life and health stuff I had to set it aside. Did I miss it? Not as much as I thought.
You learn a lot about life in 20 years.
Do I want to pick it up again? Yes, I want that. Why? I enjoy it. If I get some health benefit that’s just frosting on the cake. I could put in the work and teach again – but I don’t want to. I could get up early and do all the shit they tell you to do to be an accomplished Tajiquan player….but I don’t want to. I could brush up on Chinese, and find work-arounds for the physical limitations. But I don’t want to. I value different things now. And that is perfectly OK. You don’t have to be driven and perfect about every thing. Not everything in life is goals and attainment. I could fixate on wanting to do high level tai chi again … I could use that as motivation to drive and work toward acheiving that….or I could want the peace and serenity and mindfulness that Taijiquan represented all along.
It turns out I really just want to enjoy a little tai chi every now and then. Bam. Done. Mission accomplished. Goal achieved. It pays to want what you already have.